Crazy Christmas
by Sadarga
Summary: It's Christmas celebration time aboard the SR-2, and Joker has come up with the genius idea of doing a 'secret santa' amongst the crew. While some love their presents, others are frustrated or even simply embarrassed.
1. Explanatory' Videos

_Crazy Christmas._

Part 1

* * *

The crew sat around the hat, staring warily at it's contents. None of them dared to pick first, and they all eyed each other to see if anyone else would do it. Even Joker was uncharacteristically quiet, and this had been his idea. Shepard somehow knew they were all looking to her to draw first (she was the Commander after all) but in this circumstance she was just going to pretend she didn't know that. It wasn't as if this was a mission to stop the reapers (in that case, she would jump head first screaming some sort of insulting curses).

A groan escaped someone suddenly, and all sets of eyes shot up to look at Zaeed as he stood up and promptly stuffed his hand in the hat. Moments later he produced a slip of paper, which he shoved in one of his pockets, an expression of utter indifference on his face. Honestly though, it was good enough that the man was even participating in the first place.

"There. Go crazy everyone." Without another word the aged mercenary walked out, and it was at least three seconds before anyone else made a move for the simple black hat. The way they were all looking at it you would have thought Harbinger was sitting in it's place.

Shepard eventually grabbed a slip from the hat, surreptitiously opening it so no one could see what was written on it - or who. Her expression dropped as her eyes laid rest on the small piece of paper, and she hurriedly ran out of the room, seemingly on some sort of self-appointed mission.

From there; the rest of those assembled took it in nervous turns to take a slip of paper from the hat. Each time a slip was opened, an expression turned to either dread or confusion.

Well, except for Joker.

"Hell YES!" They all looked up to stare at the pilot, who looked so happy he might even dance. "This is like a freaking dream come true! I now officially love Christmas!" Apparently having a lot to plan; Joker promptly hobbled away, leaving everyone even more confused then they had been before.

Hey, no one said that doing a secret Santa was going to be easy.

* * *

Garrus looked up from (yes, yet more) calibrations of the Normandy guns to see a gift bearing Mordin staring curiously at him. Not liking how the scientist was so thoroughly scrutinising him; he ceased all his work to see what the salarian wanted. Hopefully the guns wouldn't shoot on their own accord while he was gone.

"Need something?" Mordin blinked just once before handing him over the box (that seemed to be covered in something that was probably supposed to be wrapping paper) in his hands. Garrus looked down at the present, before looking back dubiously at the scientist.

"Customary human tradition to wrap gifts for their secret Santa's-" Hold up - Mordin was _his _secret Santa. Oh no, this _couldn't _possible be good. "-Couldn't find wrapping paper in time, so had to use anti-flammable aluminium metal strips."

"…You used kitchen foil?" Mordin nodded.

"Precisely. Merry Christmas." He had turned and left before Garrus could say anything else and - having let his curiosity get the better of him - the turian promptly tore the kitchen foil wrapping from off of his present.

What the…? Garrus pulled two books out, reading the titles with equal horror. This was just a nightmare right? _'Helpful Advice of the human body' _along with '_Human mating customs; an explanation for the other species.' _were what he stood staring at. When the salarian had mentioned helping earlier in the year, he hadn't thought the scientist had meant it seriously. Worse still, slipped underneath the book was some sort of video, with writing scribbled on it that called said item an 'Explanatory' information guide. If he needed videos of this genre, then he would have went to Joker for his private stash.

Garrus found himself blushing, which was weird, considering he had never done that before. He wasn't even aware that turian's were even capable of blushing. But of course Mordin would be the one to find a way to defy nature, even if it was with embarrassing gifts rather than breakthrough technology.

How was he going to explain this to Shepard? Because - inevitably - she would find out. And that would be awkward when she did, so he knew he had to find her and confront her sooner rather than later.

However, after locking the door Garrus cautiously opened up to the first page of the book. Mordin had given this as a gift after all, and there was no harm in just taking a little peak.

…right?

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**So here is my (not so) long awaited Christmas story! I've been dying to do something like this since starting my first account (this is my second, or maybe even my third..oops). Using my amazing maths skills I have written a piece for each day. Since I completely messed up my calculations, christmas day and christmas eve will have extra chapters published.**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoy this. At the very least I hope it puts you in a christmassy mood.**

**Thank you for reading! Please tell me what you think for future reference.**

**:))**


	2. Better Luck Next Time!

Crazy Christmas

Part 2

* * *

"Hi Thane." The drell opened his eyes and stood up from his meditations at the sound of the familiar (but not necessarily welcome) voice. True enough; Garrus stood at the door to his room, a card and wrapped box in hand. Did this have something to do with the secret Santa? If so, then he was worried. Garrus would be the worst person possible to be his secret Santa, and on top of that he was supposed to act _pleased _when receiving a present from him?

"I got you a present." Yeah, he could see that. The turian handed Thane the gift and card warily, before hastily making a swift exit back to his own room. If anything that should be taken as a warning, since he got the feeling that he wasn't going to like this.

Sighing, he put aside his colouring book and black crayon to open up the presents from the turian. Considering how the two of them had been in a rather awkward and strained situation because of their feelings for Shepard, Thane was genuinely surprised that the turian had even bothered to get him a present. Even if it was something that would likely just irritate him. Maybe he should consider being nicer to the guy on the occasion, since he was making the effort now.

_Screw that thought, _he thought the moment he opened up his gift (wrapped in what appeared to be already used kitchen foil). A sniper scope, along with an instruction manual on how to become a better marksman. He should of known the turian wouldn't give him anything actually _nice_. Maybe he should give it back? The guy needed the help more than he did anyways.

When he opened the card, that was when his blood **really **began to boil. _'__Better luck next time!__'_ was the only thing written in the card, but he was well aware of what Garrus was talking about. If only Shepard knew what an ass Garrus could be. Had he meant this as a joke? Because Thane was failing to see the funny side of it. Breathing deeply, he fought the urge to charge down to the battery and punch the ugly turian in his rocket launcher-ed face. Instead; he grabbed his colouring book and scribbled over the faces of the princesses in his black crayon. Not at all calmed by his actions, Thane began pacing up and down his room, to no avail. He sighed, loudly.

He needed to go and meditate. A lot.

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**My god! Thank you for the response of this, and I'm hoping that your enjoying this christmassy story so far. For those of you that had been asking, yes this is a /Garrus pairing, although I don't really know how much I'm going to emphasis that (I mostly chose it so I could write this chapter hahaha)**

**ANYWAYS, thank you for reviewing/faving/following it means a lot to me so thank you!**

**As always, thank you for reading and enjoy! :))**


	3. Exosuit Awesomeness

Crazy Christmas

Part 3

* * *

Tali walked into engineering to see a gift sitting on top of her monitor. _From Thane, _the small card had scribbled inside in black crayon. She clapped her hands with glee - she just _loved _presents! Well, except that Quarian friendly cake that Shepard had bought her for her birthday last year. I don't think her gut understood the 'friendly' part.

Although, she actually didn't know why Thane had given her one. They weren't exactly best buds; her in engineering doing important stuff and him in a life support room apparently dying.

Either way she was still delighted to have a present for Christmas. Even if technically her species didn't actually celebrate the human holiday.

When she opened the gift (wrapped in used kitchen foil that appeared to be poorly taped back together) however, a frown appeared on her face.

Why would she need a custom ship painting kit? She looked back down at the card, and started to laugh while a plan began to formulate in her head.

_To pimp your ride. _

Well, even if it wasn't intended for it, Tali knew _exactly_ what she was going to use her present for.

"Where are you going with those spray paints?" Engineer Donnelly asked as she began to walk out the engine room, giving her a confused frown as she walked past them with her hands full with her present. She shrugged, picking up a pink from the assortment of her painting candy. She had always wanted a pink helmet…

"I need a mirror. I'm not going to do this without being able to actually see my exosuit now am I?" Understanding fell on the engineers shocked face.

"Your not-" She laughed, a devious glint in her eyes (though Donnelly wasn't sure whether that was just a shiny spot on her mask).

"Oh yes I am." She definitely decided that next time she saw Thane she would give him the largest hug in the galaxy. Without any doubt, everyone was going to be jealous of her new look once she was finished.

She was going to look _so _awesome now.

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**Hope your enjoying this so far, because these are certainly fun to write! **

**Since I haven't really got much else to say I'm just going to keep it short and sweet; thank you for all your wonderful reviews!**

**Happy reading, and merry almost christmas!**

**:))**


	4. Organic Interactions

Crazy Christmas

Part 4

* * *

Legion was having a civil conversation with the crews vending machine (getting all the hot gossip about the other electrical appliances aboard the ship) when Tali - in an exosuit that was way too colourful to be her own - walked up to stand beside him. Pardoning himself for a moment from the talk with the food dispenser, he looked to see the Quarian holding to him a present in her hands.

If a geth had eyebrows to frown, then at that moment the unit would have been doing so.

"Creator Zorah? This system does not understand the purpose of giving him anti-flammable aluminium strips. Our systems are fully fire, water and custard-proof." The Quarian sighed, and pulled the foil off of a small spaceship which she gave to him. What species could fit in this?

"Merry Christmas Legion!" She said with a laugh.

"The geth do not understand what you mean by 'Christmas'."

"We explained what that was to you before we did the secret Santa draw." She paused speaking for a second, which was long enough for him to scan the universes web and find out all he could about Christmas, and unicorns (since he had the time spare). "Ooh," Understanding lit up the Quarian's mask like lights. "So _that's _why Thane got me a present."

"Creator Zorah?" She looked back to him. "We now understand the meaning of Christmas. Would it be appropriate to happily embrace you now?"

"NO! I'm mean uh-That's quite alright Legion. The flotilla still haven't calmed down after the last time I walked in with 'geth machinery traces' on me." Legion - at this - silenced the vending machine, who was laughing at him for being denied basic social interaction by an organic. He saw that Tali was still holding out the spaceship towards him, so he assumed the correct reaction would be to smash the object in her hands.

"NO LEGION DON'T!" She screamed as she finally noticed his intentions. He stopped a trillionth of a second after Tali began screaming at him. Interesting. Being around organics had appeared to have slowed his reactions down considerably.

He slowly took the small spaceship, and was unhappy when it didn't respond to his friendly communications. Maybe it didn't speak in numbers. Or maybe it was just shy.

"Creator Zorah, this machine does not function correctly." To emphasis his point; he shook it around. Nothing happened. A normal unit would have complained of a headache or feeling sick if it was being shook about. The Quarian sighed as she watched him continue to shake his gift around.

"That's because it's a toy Legion, it's not supposed to have a function."

"Then why have you given this to us?"

"It's a present." His flashlight head twisted as he stared at Tali. If he was an organic he would have looked confused, but the tilting of his head was merely to allow the circuits in the left side of his being to run faster.

It still didn't help him to understand though.

"We thought the object was a toy. Is it now a present?"

"No it's both."

"Are there two separate hardware's performing different functions inside of it?" Tali sighed. Again.

"No, it doesn't have a function. It's a toy."

"Hadn't we established that it was a present?" She stared at him for a long moment before finally groaning, smacking her hand to her mask and walking away. He assumed that meant it wasn't a present then.

Legion set about straight away fixing this 'toy' to have a function. It was too small for him to fit inside, but perhaps he could give it a purpose. Seeing such a beautiful piece of machinery left to do nothing but rust brought a particle of condensed gas to his eye. He needed to do something.

Besides, he did need ideas for his secret Santa as well.

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**I'm pretty sure these chapters are getting weirder and more random by the day, hahaha.**

**Hope you enjoyed this one (personally this was by far my favourite chapter to write so far) and hope it amused you a little.**

**Thank you very much for all the support, it's always nice to know there are people appreciating the story.**

**Thank you and enjoy! :))**


	5. Weapons Of Beverage Destruction

Crazy Christmas

Part 5

* * *

" ?" EDI called to him, and after putting down his half eaten burger; he spun round on his (leather!) seat to see a geth looking down at him with it's flashlight of a head. He yelled with fright and fumbled for the panic button on his controls, up until he realised that it was only Legion.

"Oh," He said, letting out a loud huff of breath. "It's just you."

"We have a present for you Flight Lieutenant." The geth pressed a button on a control the thing had seemingly pulled out of nowhere (unless geth had built in trouser pockets) and suddenly a flying piece of kitchen foil was propelled into his face. Almost falling off his seat with terror (yet again), he realised that the foil was actually being used as wrapping paper - and underneath it was his present. Though the present was quite honestly as strange as the foil it was wrapped in.

"You bought me a toy spaceship?" He asked dubiously, and was even more confused when the geth shook his head.

"No. We bought you a miniature remote controlled firing turret." He frowned. Why would he need a turret when all he did was fly the ship? He was about to say this to the geth when the spaceship began to shoot at him - and explode his drink in the process. Lets hope that just hadn't short circuited the system, they didn't want the Normandy losing all its power. Again.

Anyways, Joker had more important things to concern himself with. Like why his 'toy' spaceship was shooting at him. So, he quickly went back to screaming and panicking.

"Legion what's the HELL is that toy doing?!" He almost fell out of his seat as he dodged another shot from the small weapon of beverage destruction. Fortunately though, it only appeared to be shooting popcorn shells instead of real shells.

"It's not a spaceship flight lieutenant. It's a miniature remote controlled firing turret." Yeah, he understand the firing part. A shot hit him on the arm and he winced in pain. That was going to leave a bruise, or break his arm.

Damn brittle bones.

"Yeah well what is that thing doing then?!"

"I do not know. It appears that by giving it a purpose we have caused it to malfunction. We should make note not to give it as much freedom next time." His eyes shot open as he finally found the off button on the tiny flying monster.

"What do you mean next time?!"

"We believe it to be human custom to say Merry Christmas as this point. Is it also appropriate for us to sing these 'Christmas carols' as well?" Groaning, but grabbing his burger, he found the closest thing to wrap it in to eat later.

Right now - as Legion had began to belt out a terrible rendition of _'__Deck the Halls__' _(which he had taken it upon his geth-selfto change to _'Decorate the metal spaceship passage chambers'_)- he didn't think that eating was a wise thing to do, not when he had a strong urge to vomit. He really wished he had ear plugs right now.

Or an mute button.

"EDI!" He called and the hologram appeared. Heh. He had always wanted a pet dog - not that he would tell the AI that ever.

"Yes ?"

"How long would it take to build a universal remote control for geth?"

"About a day and a half." He shrugged, finding a pair of gloves to use as ear plugs. They didn't really work much.

"Better late then never I suppose. Get on it EDI, and tell me when its done."

"Yes ." Legion had by now switched the song to _'White Christmas' _(Or _'Colourless human festival season' _according to the geth) which was even worse than the song before. Joker sighed.

_This was going to be one long Christmas._

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**I don't really have much to say today other than thank you very much for all the support!**

**Thank you and enjoy! :))**


	6. Sexy Senile's And A Shot Of Whiskey

Crazy Christmas

Part 6

* * *

Samara was heading to do her usual five hourly meditations in her room when she noticed a gift sitting on her bed. Had her daughters given her a birthday present? No, that wasn't possible - her daughters were suspicious of postmen and refused to use them.

And it wasn't even her birthday anyways, that she knew of. She had lost her birth certificate about three hundred years back, and the problems of a matriach had hit her.

Namely, she was now rather senile, and had irritable biotic syndrome as well. What was she talking about?

_Merry Christmas from anonymous. _Oh, now she knew what this was all about. This was the human secret Santa tradition, no?

Either way she liked the idea; giving to someone else supported everything she believed in. Except that one rule about eating greasy burgers, that had nothing to do with it.

Perhaps the asari culture should be introduced to this idea. Though she wasn't exactly sure they would listen to her, not since the incident with that human reporter and stories of her 'Strange daughters'. But she would worry about that later, for now she would open the box. She was intrigued, which wasn't a feeling she had allowed herself to feel for a long time.

Opening the box (that was wrapped in kitchen foil that smelled strongly of grease and burgers - maybe that rule was important then!) her eyes widened considerably. Maybe it was time she sat down and drank her prune juice.

At least now she did know who had gotten her the present.

"Shepard." She called over her Omni-tool, and the Commander answered almost immediately.

"Hey Samara, something wrong?"

"Could you please instruct Joker to stop watching asari por-um-_dance _videos, it seems to be contaminating his mind." There was a pause before Shepard spoke again.

"…Should I even know why your asking this?" Samara looked down at the tight leather costume that lay on her bed before blushing as fervently as a young asari maiden.

"No. And never mention this to anyone."

"Got it." Looking to the costume for a long moment, a whimsical thought came over her. It was wrong to indulge in it, but if no one was around what was the harm in just having a little look?

It was a gift after all.

She would drink her prune juice though, and do whatever she was going to do afterwards. She would probably remember what that was eventually.

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**Big Dramatic Speech time now guys! **

**It's pretty much midnight exactly, and yes I am posting this that damn early. I have to be somewhere tomorrow, and I figured I would post it sooner rather than later. Yes, I am such a lovely person.**

**I would like to take the time to thank everyone for all their support, and everyone for helping me to both want to continue writing this, and improve it. I wouldn't be nearly as motivated to be doing this if you guys weren't showing your appreciation and kindness towards me and this.**

**Only a few more days until christmas now, and since I'm feeling generous are there any cameo appearances you think I should write in? If I don't get any response on this then I'll just figure out some for myself, so you've been warned hahaha.**

**Oh, and if you do give me a suggestion, then it can be anyone you want. Although I might have to do some research to figure out who some people are hahaha.**

**Thank you very very much, and I hope you all have a good day!**

**Enjoy as always! :))**


	7. The Illusive Man's Big Birthday Surprise

Crazy Christmas

Part 7

* * *

Kasumi was in the middle of breaking into the Illusive man's personal email account when Samara walked into her room unannounced.

"Oh yeah sure you can come in Samara." She said, the sarcasm evident in her voice. Until the mission was over, Samara couldn't harm her due to her justicar code. Technically speaking the mission _was _already over, but since no one had told the law-abiding asari that, Kasumi wasn't going to say anything.

She did in fact like living after all.

"I have a gift for you." She said, handing the thief a present wrapped in perfume scented kitchen foil, that seemed to be taped together. "Merry Christmas." Saying no more the asari left, just as her Omni-tool alerted her that she had successfully broken into Illusive_chick1304 . That had been a narrow escape. If Samara had seen that, then she probably would have been screwed.

Okay, _definitely _would have been dead. Even more than she already was.

Putting the broken into email to one side (the gift was way more important then anything the illusive man was doing of course); she picked up the present and pulled off the foil wrapping.

Inside was a book entitled _'__Why stealing is wrong, and the various criminal charges that can be used for theft__'_.

She got the feeling that Samara was trying to tell her something, especially when she noticed that the Asari had stuck in a page of her own about why the code permits Justicar's to kill all thieves - painfully and brutally.

Oh, what a cheery Christmas present she had received. Maybe looking at that email account might calm her down, or at least make her forget about her possible impending doom.

Kasumi had spent only a few minutes scanning through the illusive man's email when she struck gold (though not literally this time). Whether Shepard's influence or not; she knew exactly what to do with this information. And better yet - Samara might not even want to kill her for this one.

* * *

Admiral Hackett was just sitting down to watch 'Desperation Househusbands' when his Omni-tool alerted him of a new message. Kasumi Goto had sent him an email? Why was she sending him and email and - more importantly - how did she even get it in the first place? Perhaps they had a mutual friend or something.

He was busy trying to watch a TV show, and this was just distracting. Either way, as he opened the email he began to smile.

_To Little Rosmary's galactic bakery._

_Send the birthday cake to 21 Black hole, Asteroid galaxy. Postal Code; RT98 7CI._

_Cake should not include nuts, rice, cheese or pomegranates. ILLUSIVE MAN DEATHLY ALLERGIC._

_With Regards,_

_Kai Leng._

Instantly he called Shepard, and she answered within moments. She sounded scared, which was understandable considering the message was sent with the 'everyone's going to die' alert button.

But it had the immediate response he wanted, and the sooner he got things sorted the sooner he could get back to watching his program (which, of course, was extrememly important).

"Admiral! What's happening?!"

"Shepard, I have a priority mission for you." She didn't hesitate to answer his call.

"What is it sir? Raid on Cerberus controlled areas? Mission into geth territory?" He shook his head and found it rude that she didn't answer to that. Then, he realised that she couldn't see the gesture and spoke instead.

"Nope. I need you to bake a cake."

"…Bake a cake, sir?" Her doubt was obvious.

"Yes, with nuts, rice, cheese and pomegranates inside - lots of them too. And make it out to 'Illusive Man', preferably in pink icing at well. Hackett out."

"But wai-!" He cut her off after his final word, as he always did. The truth was he wasn't a busy man; 'Desperation Househusbands' was on, and so that was more important. He knew Shepard would do her job well, so he happily turned up the volume and grabbed a box of tissues.

This show always made him cry.

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**Probably not my best chapter, but I used McPig's suggestion of including Admiral Hackett, and I hope that this is good enough for you! :)**

**I'll still take in any other suggestions for additional characters, but I thank you anyways for reading/reviewing/faaving/following.**

**Thank you very much, and enjoy reading!**

**:))**


	8. Stolen Baby

Crazy Christmas

Part 8

* * *

Zaeed was busy preparing for a funeral - his _baby's _funeral - when he noticed Kasumi sitting on his bed.

"What are you doing in here?" He asked, trying to keep the strain out of his voice. Hopefully she hadn't noticed the tears in his eyes either. She was smirking.

So she had seen the tears. Great, there goes his reputation.

"I'm your secret Santa, I thought I would give you your Christmas present." Standing up and walking over to him, the thief handed him a heavy, odd shaped present that seemed to be wrapped in (of all things) kitchen foil. He took it, and an instant later the thief disappeared.

What was thing all about? Couldn't she have picked a better time at least? He still had to figure out what coloured name tags the funeral reception would have.

He opened it all the same, and suddenly he understood why Kasumi had ran. His gun.

His _baby_.

The only important thing in his life that he thought was lost forever to him. That was her present - something she had stolen from him? She hadn't ran fast enough.

On the bright side he wouldn't have to cancel the funeral, just change who it was for. Kasumi was _so dead. _

After he spent some time catching up with his baby of course.

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**Shortest chapter ever here, hahaha. Either way thanks for the continued support, and I hope your enjoying this as much as I enjoy writing it! **

**:))**


	9. Pink Lycra And Problems 'Down Under'

Crazy Christmas

Part 9

* * *

Jacob was busy plucking his eyebrows when Zaeed wordlessly launched a scrunched load of kitchen foil at him from across the other side of the armoury. Confused; Jacob stopped his beautifying to see what the hell had just been thrown at him.

_Merry Christmas blahblahblah from Zaeed._

A grin appeared on the mans face. He just loved secret Santa! Last year when they had done this at Cerberus, one of the female engineers had given him a pair of pink hair straighteners for his leg hair. That was one good Christmas present.

What he didn't love though was_ this _present. Lycra workout gear (in pink, of course) and a sweatband to match? He could imagine Zaeed wetting himself as the old mercenary bought these. Well, he supposed, at least they looked supportive.

And they were in pink, so it wasn't completely a disaster.

Not that he would ever wear them. Ever.

While anyone was around at least.

* * *

Ashley Williams had spent the past three weeks trying to find a date for an alliance awards ceremony. No one wanted to go with her since somebody spread that rumour about her being 'mixed up with both down under'.

It wasn't true (that she knew of) but it still succeeded in making her the least desirable person going to the awards ceremony.

Now she sat in her apartment, surfing via her Omni-tool for any willing _male _dates. Contrary to yet another rumour that was spread about her; she was not a lesbian (that she knew of), so going with another woman was out of the question.

As her hope seemed to be all but gone, a bleeping of her apartment door roused her from her despair. After she opened it, and collected the package that was given to her, Ashley sat down and read the card.

_Happy Birthday Illusive Man._

What? Her birthday was two months ago, and she was only just getting her first acknowledgement of it now? The post must just be slow, she was sure that was the reason. Anyways, that still didn't explain why she was now being called the 'Illusive Man'.

Wait a second…

Then, it suddenly clicked.

Whomever had sent this must of thought they were so funny. Of course 'Illusive Man' was referring to that (not true) rumour about her bits down under. This was ridiculous, she was not a man (that she knew of) and the rumours about her needed to stop. None of them were remotely true!

Opening the present anyways, she saw that a rather badly made cake had been placed inside. Sitting it on her table, Ashley looked at the supposedly edible item.

Were those pomegranates and rice stuck in the middle? And why did she see random pieces of tin foil in the cake? What kind of belated birthday cake was this?

Who knows, but at least she had food to eat now.

After having grabbed a plate on a knife and fork to cut the cake with (she also sang happy late birthday to herself as well) she was moments away from cutting the cake when a beeping of her apartment door stopped her.

"What?" She asked not very politely as she opened the door. It was the postman from before, and he looked very seriously at the cake behind her.

"I'm going to have to take that cake back from you ma'am. It seems I gave you the wrong post earlier." Grumbling and cursing profusely to herself, Ashley scooped up the cake that apparently wasn't hers, and promptly dropped it in the postman's arms.

"Well? Where's my actual post then?" He wordlessly handed her a card before leaving.

Was it a birthday card? She tore open the envelope, hoping it was.

Nope, of course it wasn't.

It was the termination of her invite to the awards ceremony tonight, because apparently there was a rumour that she had been doing photo shoots for 'Gay Men weekly'. She would never have done a photo shoot, she was an Alliance soldier not a model. And she wasn't even a man!

Well, that she knew of anyways.

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**Well, usually I write these the night before as I have school in the morning, but since I've been ill recently I wrote this today instead hahaha.**

**I decided to write Ashley in as well (even though she is completely irrelevant to what I have been planning) as I didn't actually ever state whether I saved her or Kaidan. I think, at least. **

**So, Adams7, here's Ashley for ya. **

**Oh and before you think otherwise, no I don't hate Ashley, I just couldn't help but write her in this way. I don't really think she has man parts down under, hahaha.**

**Thank you for all your support, I'll still write in any new character suggestions if I have time!**

**Until next time - enjoy! :))**


	10. Explosion In The Kitchen

Crazy Christmas

Part 10

* * *

Before Jack could notice him, Jacob had snuck into her basement room and placed a small bundle of taped together kitchen foil on her bed. Fortunately, the Lycra of his outfit didn't seem to make anyone noise as he moved. Turning just as the man had managed to escape (was he wearing something pink?), Jack spotted the small bundle (which had a lovely purple bow on top) with a look of disgust.

She hated secret Santa. And presents. And Christmas. Fuck them all, seriously.

_Merry Christmas, enjoy your present. Don't curse to much about it as well. This is a holiday._

As she opened up the foil wrapping, she decided she had just gotten the best fucking Christmas present ever. It might have even changed her opinion of the festive season. Jacob was officially bloody amazing.

Perhaps this meant she would even stop bullying him for his 'feminine qualities'.

…Nah.

Grabbing her present and laughing demonically, Jack knew exactly what she was going to do first. She picked up her instruments with a mad look in her eye, and placed her patient on her bed.

This Barbie doll was going to get the god damn best makeover that the galaxy had ever seen.

* * *

Rupert Gardener wanted to cry. Who had done this to his poor kitchen?

Bowls were sprawled across the floor, as was an insane amount of eggs and flower. Butter plastered the walls and from the ceiling dripped what appeared to be milk and chocolate. Icing lay exploded around the room, and inside the oven was a giant wheel of cheese.

And were those nuts sticking to his cabinets?

Naturally, he contacted Shepard immediately. And of course, she answered almost immediately.

"Hey there person who my Omni-tool has yet to identify! Need something random stranger?"

"Shepard? It's Gardener here. I think someone's been messing with my kitchen!" On the other side he heard a fumbling, along with a couple of curses here and there. What the hell was that woman doing? He got his answer soon enough.

"Hello." Shepard began again, in a voice that was probably supposed to sound robotic (it wasn't working). "You have reached Commander Shepard. She is currently unavailable, would you care to leave a message?" He rolled his eyes. It was times like this the Commander was a pain in the ass.

"Yes. Tell the Commander I think someone's been messing with my kitchen."

"Thank you sir, your message has been saved and filed under the 'who gives a shit, certainly not me!' file. When the Commander maybeprobablynot returns from her permanent vacation, we shall let her know of this. Possibly. Goodbye."

"But wai-!" This time he heard more fumbling, along with the gruff voice that definitely didn't belong to a woman. As he wondered what was happening, another voice turned up instead.

"We would also like you to note that the kitchen messing up fiasco had nothing to do with Garrus Vakarian. AT ALL. He is completely innocent, and he has absolutely no idea why there is rice in the washing machine. Goodbye." The message was cut off, and Gardener grumbled profusely because of it. Fine, he would let them pretend that they had nothing to do with it.

But it looks like Garrus and Shepard were getting the leftovers from last month for dinner tonight.

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**Hopefully this clears up who were the culprits of the cake making (disaster), if you haven't realised who it is heres a small hint..**

**IT WAS GARRUS AND SHEPARD.**

**Now thats sorted out, merry very almost christmas to everyone, and thank you for all the support and loving towards this story.**

**I couldn't ask for more so thank so so much!**

**:))**


	11. The Illusive Whale

Crazy Christmas

Part 11

* * *

Grunt was busy hammering his head into a nearby wall when Jack came running in and threw at him some kitchen foil explosives. When they didn't blow up, he realised that they weren't in fact bombs - they were biscuits. _Dog _biscuits judging by the smell.

_Merry Christmas and shit. Now fucking enjoy your present and stop hitting your head against walls because it makes my head bloody hurt.._

Shrugging his shoulders, Grunt sat down and began to eat the dog biscuits. Whether due to his headache (from hitting his head against the wall) or because he was secretly half hound; Grunt was enjoying the animal treats.

Sadly though, he forgot to take the foil off before eating them.

* * *

"I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NO CHEESE, POMEGRANATES, RICE OR NUTS!" The bloated whale screamed at Kai Leng. The evil assassin cowered beneath the whale's rage, eyes wide as he stared at how red the creatures's face had turned.

Man, the Illusive man really was deathly allergic to all those things.

Whether it was the allergic reaction or just simply anger; the whale's fat face was as purple as a beetroot.

"That's what I told the bakers! It wasn't my fault sir!"

"NOT YOUR FAULT?! I'M DYING YOU IDIOT!" The whale wheezed and staggered towards Kai Leng, who had by now backed into the far corner of the room.

"Sir I swear I had nothing to do wit-!" The whale interrupted him, and collapsed onto the floor as he did.

"AND WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO PUT TIN FOIL IN THE CAKE? NOW MY TEETH FEEL DISGUSTING!" Now that he had collapsed, Kai Leng no longer felt anywhere near as scared as he had previously been. Beached whales didn't scare him - only the angry swimming ones did. And he doubted that right now the Illusive man could swim, or do anything at that.

"We'll just get you to the Doctors sir."

"NO DOCTOR CAN CURE ME - I'M DYING!" Kai Leng groaned and rolled his eyes. Why was it that the evil masterminds always had to be terribly over-dramatic?

"I'm taking you to the doctors sir."

"NO YOU ARE-" Fortunately the whale couldn't fight back, as a sudden choking seemed to knock him out. At least he had finally shut up, but now he was going to have to carry the bloated thing all the way to the hospital. Wonderful.

* * *

The nurse looked up and tried to hide her shock. Why was that man carrying a bloated red whale with him? Even so, she still smiled as he walked up to the hospital reception. The man looked shady, but she tried not to pay any attention to that. Or the weapons that were strapped to his arms, legs, feet and ears.

"Hello welcome to Huerta Memorial Hospital, how may I help?"

"We need a doctor immediately, the best one you have. Money isn't a problem." Did she dare suggest that they needed to find a vet since this hospital was for human patients? No, they were offering money so her smiled increased as she pulled out her clipboard. Maybe she would even get that pay rise now...

"Right so what is the problem?"

"Severe allergic reaction."

"Okay, and what is the patients name?"

"Uh…" The man seemed to fumble for a long moment, apparently struggling with this question. "Can I have a hint? Or phone a friend?" He finally said, and she frowned.

"This is not a quiz, I need the name sir."

"Well…its uh…Dorothy." She raised an eyerow as she looked up from her clipboard.

"Dorothy?" The man shrugged, patting the whale on the head as he did so, an obviously fake sadness in his eyes.

"His mother wanted a girl, he doesn't like to speak about it."

"Alright then, I just need your signature here-" The man scribbled it in right away, though the signature was little more than a man holding a katana and wearing a cape with a speech bubble coming from him stating 'I am awesome'. Hmm. Strange signature.

"That's perfect," She said, mentally wondering whether the two in front of her had escaped from a mental home. "If you head through the doors over there the Doctor is waiting for you." He nodded and moved away, but paused just before he left.

"Who is the Doctor?" She looked up the Doctors name on her computer, and frowned as she did so. She could have sworn that there wasn't a doctor with that name working at this hospital…

"Mordin Solus sir."

"Hmm. Strange name." Heading through the doors Kai Leng dragged the Illusive whale through the doors, and promptly threw him onto the operating table the moment he entered the room. The doctor turned round, and Kai Leng saw that it was a salarian. Odd, but no matter. I'm sure the doctor had read up about whale anatomy before.

"Hmm." The doctor said, frowning as he thoughtfully rubbed his chin. "Will need to run tests. Patient appears to have mutated into another life form… a whale?"

"He's had a severe allergic reaction."

"My theory is far more likely. Allergic reaction just ridiculous. You should go, have many tests to run." After a moments hesistation, Kai Leng left. Since they were on the Citadel, he decided to spend a few hours to himself. He had always wanted to go fishing in the presidium, so that's where he decidedly headed to.

Meanwhile, the instant the assassin walked out the door, Mordin brought up Shepard on his Omni-tool.

"Shepard have Illusive man captive. Proceed with the plan?" Shepard grinned, a manical look in her eye.

"Sure thing Mordin, just make sure that the Tutu is off before he's handed over to the alliance. We don't want to have to explain that one."

"Of course. Over and out." Shepard frowned at Mordin, who didn't understand why she was doing so. All the old human movies said that all people always said 'over and out'. He thought it would make him seem even cooler. He disconnected, and set about dressing up the Illusive whale. Once he was ready, he pulled up the camera on his Omni-tool, and walked around for a bit to choose the right angle. Perfection was needed, even for this.

And perhaps this blackmail might even come in handy one day.

That was unlikely. Shepard probably only wanted the photos to laugh at. Joker too. And Garrus. Those three were particularly immature.

_Illusive man going to hate Shepard after this_, he thought, as he took the first of many pictures of the bloated ballerina that was apparently 'Dorothy'.

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**Thank you everyone for reading, and sorry I have posted this so late in the day. First I forgot, then I was busy doing art (fun for me, ha) and then I realised I needed to add some more to this. So yeah, sorry about that. **

**Anyways, since I have been kind of rushing to post this, this chapter may seem rushed. Sorry about that as well guys, I was just trying to get it posted for all of you :)**

**To be honest, I'm just going to go ahead and say I have no idea where this chapter has gone today, it's gone out of my control thats all I can say.**

**(Hey that rhymed! XD)**

**As always thank you for showing the love, and all of your reviews, faving, and following means a lot to me. (Best christmas present ever! haha)**

**And a special thank you to jadedstar for wishing me a merry christmas, Happy Christmas to you as well :)**

**Till next time mi amigos! :))**


	12. The Dirty Windows Of Omega

Crazy Christmas

Part 12

* * *

Walking back into her office, Miranda immediately smelt dog food. What was this all about? On her desk as well, she saw aluminium foil (that just so happened to be covered in drool) covering what she assumed was a picture frame.

Oh, this was her secret Santa present wasn't it? And she could even guess who it was from.

After opening it she wished she hadn't. Why had Grunt given her a photo of himself? It made absolutely no sense. Well, until she flipped the picture over and read the message scrawled on the back in terrible handwriting.

_To remind you what true genetic perfection looks like, Merry Birthday Human._

Really? He gave her this and believed him to be superior? Miranda laughed, in her heart and head knowing that she was far superior. The fact that the Krogan had written 'Birthday' and not 'Christmas' was all the proof she needed to know she was right.

Yeah, this photo would be a reminder of _her _genetic perfection, and the lack thereof his.

* * *

Shepard, Garrus and Joker all sat in the far corner of the crew deck, giggling profusely to themselves.

"Okay that one we _have _to put on the internet!" Garrus cried out, whilst laughing to himself. Shepard and Joker exchanged glances before scrunching their noses up at the idea and shaking their heads.

"Nah. The whole point of this emotional black mail is that we don't show them to the public, until he doesn't do what we want." Garrus whined like a little girl at this.

"Why? Think about how long were going to have to wait!" Shepard and Joker exchanged devious glances again. Garrus was unsure whether to feel frightened or interested. He chose a combination of them both; hysterical.

"Trust us. We've already given the Illusive man a little hint already…with the help of Aria." Joker and Shepard began laughing; manically and hysterically. After attempted to join in (which didn't work), Garrus decided that he should probably leave. Quickly, and quietly so they didn't notice.

Coincidentally though that meant he managed to catch the end of an Omega news program. He grinned as he saw the picture that had been stuck on the window of every room in Omega.

Oh, _Shepard and Joker were __**good.**_

* * *

"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!" Kai Leng flinched. No longer was it a whale screaming at him, but all the same he was still scared. The Illusive man stared at the screen in front of him, cursing profusely as he did so.

"WHO DID THIS? AND HOW DID THEY EVEN GET A PHOTO OF ME LIKE THIS?!"

"…Photoshop sir?" Kai Leng offered timidly, smiling hopefully as he did so. In truth the man wanted to laugh at the images of his boss, but he couldn't. Not when the man himself was so angry at them.

"GAH! HOW THE HELL DID THEY EVEN MANAGE TO GET A PHOTO ON EVERY WINDOW?!"

"A window cleaner sir?" The Illusive man looked to him for a moment, before promptly hurling a stapler at him. Where that stapler had magically appeared from, he had no idea.

"I WANT THEM GONE. NOW."

"We can't sir, Aria will kill any of our men who try." Frustrated the Illusive man began to pace, tearing up the photo in his hand as he did.

"Look on the bright side sir-" The Illusive man stopped pacing and looked up.

"WHAT IS THE BRIGHT SIDE KAI LENG?" Man, did the guy really need to shout _everything _he said? It was giving him a headache.

"Well…" He shrugged. "At least the photo brings out your eyes." The Illusive man turned a nasty shade of red, before abandoning the reason for his anger for another one.

Kai Leng really needed to keep his mouth shut sometimes. And stop laughing at his boss.

He couldn't help it though, whoever had got a photo of the man wearing makeup and dressed as a ballerina was just a genius.

Man, this was a great Christmas present.

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**My god its almost christmas! Childish overexcitedment going on over here! haha.**

**Thank you everyone for all your support, and thank you especially to for never failing to put a smile on my face when I read your reviews :)**

**Merry Almost Christmas everyone, until next time.**

**Enjoy! :D**


	13. Spiders, Sleeping Darts And Even Flowers

Crazy Christmas

Part 13

* * *

Miranda walked in on Doctor Chakwas poking a rather large spider.

"What are you doing Doctor?" She asked, causing the woman to jump. The spider crawled back further into its cage, and the Doctor sighed. Miranda could of sworn she heard the woman say something about 'Spiderman powers'.

No matter, she was here for a reason.

"I'm your secret Santa Doctor, and here's you present." She smirked devilishly. "Don't drink them all at once." As Miranda walked out of the medical bay, wasted no time in opening her sticky and taped foil covered presents. Her eyes lit up like a child being given a toy - Brandy!

After doing a little celebration dance (and knocking over the spider cage in the process) hurriedly opened the first bottle. As she wasn't planning to share this with anyone, she didn't bother to grab a glass and instead chugged the contents straight from the bottle.

Well, this was certainly going to be a Christmas she wouldn't ever remember.

* * *

Shepard was smiling in contentment as she got out of the shower. Up until now finding a present for Mordin was a problem that worried her more than the reapers. After Garrus had come up to give her a 'massage' (because of having watched an 'explanatory' video from Mordin) and taken those photos of the Illusive man though, a note of pure gratitude seemed like the best thing to give the awesome salarian.

When she walked out of the shower, she watched as Doctor Chakwas staggered about her room, looking apparently lost, and every so often gigging to herself. She could guess straight away what the good Doctor had gotten as her secret Santa present.

"Ah Schwepad!" _Was that supposed to be my name? It sounds like she__'__s talking about a German cleaning company. _She thought as the Doctor made her way slowly over to her. "Merry Cwisrmas!" She said, handing Shepard a foil wrapped present. After helping the Doctor to the elevator; she hastily opened her present.

_Thane__'__s sleeping darts? _Why had the Doctor given her those? They were used for Thane when he couldn't sleep, she didn't need nor want them. Maybe it was because the woman was drunk, so she hadn't really paid attention to what she was wrapping up.

That would explain why the woman was using kitchen foil as wrapping paper.

* * *

"Hey Mordin." The salarian gave her a nod in greeting, and was thankful when she waited for him to finish up his work. Finding a way to combat the reapers on a biological level hadn't been a success, but he had managed to find a cure for death. Putting the work aside, he watched as the Commander placed a present down in front of him, wrapped in foil. The same foil he had used for his present.

The commander noticed his staring, and a blush fell on her face.

"I used up all my wrapping paper for the hamsters cage. This was all I had." She paused before leaving. "Merry Christmas Mordin. And thank you. Seriously thank you. Like so much you can't even understand." Confused, he waited until Shepard had left to open his present.

A thank you card and a vase of flowers? So Garrus _had _taken his advice then.

Oh, and he clapped his hands with glee. The floral arrangement she had given him was just _gorgeous_! He happily pushed his work into the bin to make room for the vase, belatedly remembering how he had just cured death.

No matter, the flowers were _much _prettier. And Jacob would be so jealous when he saw them.

This was definitely going to be the best Christmas ever.

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**Thanks once again for reading, and hope you have a happy christmas eve! ;)**

**Your support is amazing to have, so thank you so much for that.**

**As always, enjoy! :)**


	14. The Weirdest Christmas Ever

Crazy Christmas

Part 14

* * *

It was Christmas day, and Miranda and Jack had been given the unfortunate duty of waking up the drunken Doctor Chakwas. Apparently she had passed out in the medical bay this time, so that's where the two were headed now. The tension of the silence between them had been slowly building, so much so Miranda couldn't stand it anymore. Even if it was to the baldy - she _needed _to speak to someone.

"So what did you get for Christmas?" Jack fidgeted uncomfortably, and her eyes shifted to the ground.

"Just some booze and shit. Nothing I really give a fuck about." Though she didn't believe the woman, she let it rest all the same. It was Christmas after all, and she didn't really want to piss of the psychotic biotic.

"Well, what did you get?" Ignoring that fact that this was possibly the longest conversation the two had ever had without trying to kill each other; Miranda answered Jack's question with a smirk.

"Oh, a reminder of my genetic perfection. Though I'm sure that wasn't the intention of the gift."

"Riiight." Jack said as the door to the Medical bay shot open. Snoring loudly and dribbling on the bed was Doctor Chakwas, and the two shared glances before sighing and going to wake the woman up. After a few indecipherable ramblings and falling out of her makeshift bed, the Doctor finally was awake. Sort of.

As the Doctor was drinking a glass of water (that they had told her was whiskey, to her delight), Miranda noticed how the cage she had seen the day before was now on it's side in the corner.

"Did you get rid of that spider you had yesterday Doctor?" The woman frowned, fortunately being sober enough to understand the common English language.

"No, that's one of the most venomous spiders in the galaxy. I left it in it's cage to be safe." Dread filled Miranda's expression as realisation hit her. Jack too seemed to notice something was wrong.

"…Where's the spider then?" Miranda asked as all three of them turned to look at the fallen cage. It was empty.

Then a scream tore through the Normandy, and all three of them shot towards the sound. Talk about perfect timing.

In the crew area Tali stood on a chair; screaming through her mask as a large spider was making it's way towards her. She spotted them, and flailed her arms about wildly.

"Get it away from me!" The Doctor looked horrified, for the right reasons.

"It's attracted to bright colours Tali I can't do anything while your dressed like that!" The Quarian - Miranda finally noticed - was dressed in a brightly coloured environmental suit; the mask was pink, the body had purple racing stripes on it and her legs had neon yellow and orange polka dots on them. What the hell had she done to herself?

Tali screamed again as more of the crew began to hear the problem. Thane was the first out, and he froze at the sight of the scene in front him, whilst Garrus ran out of his room next, a book in hand and reading glasses over his eyes. Both men looked at each other for a moment before squealing like girls at the sight of the large spider.

"Do something!" Tali screamed, and Garrus brought up his Omni-tool.

"Shepard there's a spider trying to eat Tali!"

"IT'S GOING TO EAT ME?!" Tali screamed hysterically. Garrus face palmed looking at the terrified Quarian.

"Just get down here and help!" He switched off his Omni-tool and took off his glasses, looking frantically around the Kitchen area suddenly. Miranda - despite the situation - found herself frowning at this.

"Garrus what the hell are you doing?" He looked up, staring at her as if the answer was obvious. To him it probably was.

"Looking for a glass to trap it in. What else?" She sighed, but left him to it. The turian would eventually figure out that a spider as big as the one they were dealing with wouldn't fit inside any glass.

The elevator door suddenly pinged open, and they all looked for Shepard. Instead; Jacob and Grunt ran through to see what all the fuss was about. Grunt reeked of dog biscuits, but it was Jacob who stole everyone's attention momentarily.

Was that…_pink _lycra the man was wearing? He seemed to spot everyone looking at his odd attire, and promptly began blushing like a five year old girl.

"It's crawling up the chair - someone do something HELP!" They all looked to Grunt, who shook his large head vigorously.

"I'm uh…allergic to spiders…they make me…break out in a…terrible…armour rash." They all just stared at the Krogan for long moment because of his terrible excuse (that no one incuding Grunt himself even believed).

Miranda next turned to Jacob, who looked as if he was about to wet himself with fright. She let him be, since she doubted he would be any help. And his pink lycra would just attract too much attention anyways.

Garrus was still searching for a glass, Thane seemed to be meditating and Doctor Chakwas had appeared to have barricaded herself in the med bay, and had begun drinking again. She sighed. _Great._

Unexpectedly though; it was Jack who moved to help Tali first. At least it saved Miranda having to do it, since everyone else in the room was apparently incapable. Using her biotic's the woman hurled the spider across the room, looking very pleased with the dent it made as it smashed into the wall. The spider fell to the ground, and there was a long moment where they all held their breath as it didn't move.

Then it jumped back up unexpectedly, looking more pissed than ever and heading straight towards Jack.

"Well done genius." Miranda hissed as the two of them began to back up away from the spider. Suddenly the elevator could be heard, and Miranda hoped that it was Shepard. Nope, it was Kasumi and Zaeed this time.

"Stay there." Zaeed muttered to the thief - who for some reason was dressed as if she was going to a funeral - before turned to stand in front of both herself and Jack.

"Die you bastard!" He said as a war cry, and promptly whipped out a very old looking gun (with a pink doll dress on? What the hell?) to use to spray a whole load of bullets into the approaching spider.

It didn't work.

"Somebody do something!" Zaeed yelled once he realised his plan had failed, and he hid behind both herself and Jack, whispering to his gun (or his 'baby' as he was calling the thing) all the while. In response it seemed, Tali began sprinting over to the medical bay. What was she doing? After managing to pry open a large enough gap for her to fit through, the Quarian squeezed herself into the med bay.

And didn't come back out. So much for helping then.

Suddenly an idea sprang up in Miranda's head. If they had a strong enough biotic they could just tear the thing apart. She knew immediately what to do.

"SAMARA!" The Asari ran through immediately, looking shocked at the proceedings. They - perhaps even the spider - stopped and gaped at her attire. Why the hell was the matriarch wearing leather stripper clothes? And why did she even own any in the first place? Miranda shook that off when she remembered the situation.

"Samara use your biotics on it!" She screamed, jabbing her fingers towards the approaching monster. The Asari tried - but failed. It seemed the spider had learnt from before, and dodged every biotic hurl that was thrown at it. Great. Now who could they get help from?

The answer came from Mordin and Joker running in. Well, sort of.

"What the hell is all the noise-AAAHHHH!" Joker screamed in the middle of speaking, his eyes widening at the sight of the gigantic spider. Mordin frowned and looked quizzically at the creature for a long moment, before promptly sprinting back into the elevator and leaving.

So much for the Salarian's help then.

"LEGION!" Joker screamed, and in a moment the geth had walked up to them all. With a long stick, the geth promptly began prodding the spider.

"STOP DOING THAT! DO YOU WANT TO MAKE IT EVEN ANGRIER?!" Joker screamed, before sighing finally. "Can you get my Christmas present working again? You know, to shoot the spider?" The geth shook his head in an instant.

"Negative, the machine seems to be going through a lapse of bad judgement where his hardware has malfunctioned and his software has powered down."

"…uh What?" The geth produced a toy spaceship suddenly, and if a geth could frown then that was what it would have been doing at that point.

"We believe the appropriate human term is 'having a tantrum'. We cannot get it's census to comply."

"A-ha!" Garrus sped round the corner, carrying what seemed to be an oversized glass. Everyone turned to stare at him, even Legion (though she was sure the geth didn't know why it was doing so). The Turian carried a large glass, big enough even to fit the spider inside. Why did they even own something like that? It was probably Doctor Chakwas, for when the bottle of whiskey wasn't big enough.

Either way, she was thankful that they could finally capture the spider.

"Get it Garrus!" The Turian took a long moment aiming, before finally launching the glass over the spider. Somehow in the midst of it all, Thane managed to charge in the way and the glass smashed on the floor instead. They all glared at him.

"So who has the worst aim now then?" Garrus looked infuriated, and had apparently completely forgotten about the spider. Great, now they were going to die.

"I am far better than you, Krios." The drell jumped at the turian then, and the two began squabbling and bickering like a pair of old women. Meanwhile, Miranda was seriously debating just attempting to ask the spider to kindly leave, seeing as thus so far no better plan had been given to her.

Just then - with absolutely impeccable timing - Shepard hopped out of the elevator, carrying what seemed to be a giant drinking straw. No wait - it was Tali's 'Emergency Induction Port'. Why did she have that?

Without glancing at anyone except Thane; she aimed the straw at him and blew out something from it. The drell was hit, and he fell asleep immediately. It was then she noticed the sleeping dart sticking from the drells back. How did Shepard have Thanes medical darts?

"There. I've solved the problem everyone!" Shepard gave a dramatic bow, and frowned when she apparently didn't hear any applause.

"Shepard, that's not the problem." Miranda pointed towards the drooling spider, that was dangerously close to them now. "_That _thing is."

"Why Munchie? Oh he's no big deal." Promptly Shepard walked over to the spider, and stroked the thing on its belly until it fell asleep. Pleased with her work; Shepard stood up and looked at everyone rather smugly.

"Did Doctor Chakwas forget to mention to you the spider falls asleep when you tickle its stomach?" She chuckled. "Don't worry, I know I'm awesome." It was at that point Shepard finally noticed her surroundings.

Garrus stood attempting to sweep up pieces of broken glass, while Thane slept in the midst of it all, snoring loudly. Jack, Zaeed and Miranda herself were all backed up against a wall, their faces a mask of terror. Mordin and Jacob were arguing about flowers (tulips or roses?) whereas Joker was sitting on the floor, eating what seemed to be unpopped popcorn shells. After noticing that Shepard was staring at him, Joker shrugged his shoulders.

"What? Don't judge it 'till you've tried it."

Kasumi was holding a 'human coffin measurements' book whilst looking like the corpse's bride or something, and Tali and Doctor Chakwas had began to sing terrible renditions of Christmas songs. Worse still; apparently Legion thought it appropriate to join in with the drunken pair. Finally, Shepard spoke.

"Well this is by far the weirdest Christmas theres ever been." Miranda sighed, but finally began to laugh.

"I couldn't agree more Shepard."

* * *

**Author's Note.**

**MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! Hope you have a great day!**

**First off thank you as always, and the final part to this story (the not-so-epic conclusion) will be posted later, or even on boxing day.**

**Sorry about this, but I haven't actually wrote the last part yet, and I don't want to spend Christmas day being a hermit crab in my room. Best wishes to everyone, and once again thank you very much for all your support.**

**Enjoy! :D**


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